When You Hear It...

Okay, so finals are done. This semester is over. This semester, this seemingly endless hell, has, well, ended. (Not quite, I still have two independent projects to work on over the break and hand off to profs in January, actually.) And, it's ended on a high note. I think I pulled through. I could have done better (Film and Lit, man...) but I could have done a lot worse, and believe you me, I sure as hell wanted to do worse...

This was the fist time I truly wanted to just give up. This semester. There was so much reading, so much writing... So many all-nighters, and all-dayers... And some of the acquaintances I had made previous disappeared on me, and I was wonderfully alone in another way (until recently, of course, but... that....). Bits and pieces of other random drama (family, friends, school, Gooey, and otherwise) cropped up, sifted out, or simply remained, held over from last year, and plagued me and everyone else. Some things fell apart; some people were lost in the shuffle, and some were found.

I can honestly say 2008 has been one of the worst years of my life.

But, whatever. It's okay. It's fine. January is so close, a new year and better days, and all those Gooey puns I pull out to make myself smile. And, Christmas is just around the corner, which brings me to my point..

I drove down to my parents' today. It rained most of the way, and a number of the roads were being half-assed-ly re-paved, so rain + uneven roads + fog + me = scary. And anxiety. Lots of that. Y'all know how I am... So, on top of the comatose-like mental state I'm in, and the exhaustion, and the head-aching and heart-breaking depression over... him ...Nothing important; on top of it all, there's this shitty two-hour drive.

And, once I had reached H-Town's radio reach, I had shut-off Silversun Pickups and had started station surfing: alt rock, hot hits, Adult Top 40. Back and forth, rinse and repeat. And, in an odd coincidence, I was hearing shit. Usually, I'm welcomed home to H-Town with my bands, and, best yet, I (a number of times) hear Name or Iris, or whatever's the newest Dolls song. (Last time, I actually heard Before It's Too Late, randomly.) This time, though? Nothing. And, that's not helping anything.

And he calls while I'm driving, and I can't answer, so I call him back at a red light, and just hearing his voice makes me miss him.
(but I shouldn't.)

And the inner space, right behind the section between my eyebrows... A sinus cavity?... Is killing me, and my hands ache from gripping the wheel, having to hold Celes on the road, because she veers pretty bad, and she shakes, which sends my charms into fits of epilepsy.

But, when I pull into my mother's driveway, I hear it: the intro that I'll hear, in my mind, on my deathbed, and I park the car, and I'm so happy, I can't even scream. I just tremble. Once those nominal opening lyrics pass, and I get my wits, I call Dudley, so he can hear it, and verify it, because there's a damn good chance that I've finally lost it. (And how fitting! That Polish bard will sing the songs of my madness.) But, I'm not going crazy; it's really happening.

If I had saved the grains of time since the last time this had happened; oh, I'd have a beach.

And, I know it doesn't matter, or it shouldn't. It is just another love song, but...

Just last night, he asked me about my b(l)ack balloon, and when he quickly saw through my bullshit, saying that I'm "not that cool chick who has a tattoo of a balloon for no reason," and I couldn't explain beyond the fact that it's my favorite song, even when he prodded... I was just reminded, as I was today, just how much it means to me. And, try as I might, I don't think I could ever effectively articulate that. Ever.

And, before I sound any more obsessive, which is fucking embarassing, I'll just end this.

*sigh* tl;dr: I heard Black Balloon today. On the radio, which is always special. For the first time in... I can't even remember how long, and it made everything better, for 4:09 minutes.

yeah, we're gonna let it slide.